Humanity – Lovers of death and destruction
Congratulations on another week of excellent activity! We have managed to create mayhem in Mumbai, Baghdad, Beirut, Haifa and Mogadishu. Thank you to all those who took part. I know many of us may have perished during this working week, but congratulations to them as well! They helped raise the number of dead and thus contributed to even higher levels of mourning. There can never be enough blood and guts flowing in the streets of the world. But even though the number of dead and dismembered have increased steadily lately, there is still room for improvement. Take my advice to heart. Maybe we can boost the efficiency of our organization? There is no need for any pause in our activity now that we are on such a nice roll.
1.Always remember to take your vengeance out on the innocent!
What good is death and chaos unless it is inflicted on the innocent? Killing someone who is guilty of something just isn't the same. Locate the civilians. Choose the mothers and the children. Don’t spare the aid workers or the ambulances. Root people out from their places of worship. Make them flock to your bomb-trucks by offering them work or candy. Construct your shells devastating enough to ensure that you don’t just kill the original target, but his mother, father, children, siblings, neighbours, janitor and passers-by. Produce missiles that don't have remote control abilities, that have no target-lock, and then launch them over the border so as to increase the likelihood of causing maximum damaged to anyone who might be alive. Any death is better than no death.
2. Ignite hate by inventing things to hate!
If we don’t happen to be lucky enough to have a different race in close enough proximity for genocide, we must do everything in your power to invent other differences. A lot can be gained by establishing incomprehensible traditions that should be practiced at any cost. (If our neighbours actually allow us to practice our culture – kill them anyway, just because they are not willing to practice the same culture as us. Hurry before they submit!) If we are living in a peaceful and homogenous society, there is still plenty of potential for hate-construction. Try to construct an entirely different language. Force your children to uniform themselves. Then make them marry each other and have plenty of kids that look similar. Encourage the other side to do the same. Call those on your side “brothers and sister.” That means that the people on the other side are not your brothers and sisters. Then stretch out barbed wire fences. Erect concrete walls. But always make the borders fragile enough to ensure your re-entry when the massacres start. Nothing is more satisfying than seeing the blood of your former neighbour spilled on the ground of the streets where you used to play together as kids.
3. Make our Gods and Prophets different than the Gods and Prophets of the other side!
Claim that the only road to truth and love goes through our Prophet and our God – and remember to specify that there is only ONE God. Ours. And that we are his chosen people. Create hymns and poems about Love - the copyrighted version of Love that flows directly from our God, not theirs. Write books and pamphlets about our merciful and compassionate Prophet. And remember (and this is self-evident): Those who don’t believe in our God and our Prophet cannot be merciful and compassionate. Enhancing divisions creates a healthy environment of competition. Competition for the divine is the highest form of competition. Let the games begin!
4. Don’t be discouraged by signs of fatigue of war in your fellow men!
There is always enough hunger for death and destruction lurking in our souls. We can mobilize it, even in the last hours before a peace accord - in the final stages after centuries of combat - there is always just enough blood lust left to continue our industrious killing. Only look to our children! We must bring enough of them into life so that humanity has someone to slaughter - and to be slaughtered - in the future. Giving birth to as many children as possible also ensures an overpopulated environment that keeps humanity sufficiently preoccupied with internal fighting for survival. This makes our children easy to persuade that the world needs war. The next generations of humans will continue the path we have set forward for our species. To fight to death for the only cause worth living for: The joy of seeing other people suffer before we extinguish them.
LINKS: War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion, from The Onion
